Tea and Sympathy, Hold the Advice

In the last few years when Facebook became a legitimate means of communication with people I will never meet face to face, I have become aware of a common penchant that has become epidemic. Now, it may be that this practice is as old as anything, but it didn't seem as rampant as it is now.

This epidemic is people's need to tell others what to do. I think, for the most part, these people are coming from a caring place. Someone, meaning me, complains or whines or even just makes a statement (my boss said the yuckiest thing at work today) and immediately, someone is there, lickety split, with a solution. I've heard more advice from my friends, Facebook and real, than I ever got from a therapist. It's like everyone is an expert.

Okay, so here's the thing. Many times I actually ask for advice. Yo, I'm not shy. If I don't know what I'm doing, I am the first person to say so. I have been known to go into a shop and actually bleat: "I NEED HELP." (You should see how shop employees respond to this. Every time, they look a little rattled and then rally and say something like, "Oh-KAY. What can I do for you?" It is very nice.)

But I don't think I'm alone in believing that if a person is complaining, they really don't want a solution, or at least not just yet. I want someone to validate my feelings of frustration before I want the A + B + C answer. Sometimes, I want someone to nurture me. I may even want someone to be all "You poor thing" for a little bit. Yep, sometimes I just want to be babied. I want someone to feel sorry for me. Not in a wow, your life is nothing but one big victimized nightmare kind of thing. But a little compassion can go a long way.

However, after I've had a friend's compassionate response, you know, a little tea and sympathy, I am usually quite willing and often excited to hear their solution. Once I've gotten my ouchie feelings out, I'm on board to find the answer. I admit, I still want to be the leader in the Let's Find the Solution discussion. I'd like to brainstorm, but I still would prefer to come up with an answer and have my friend say, "Hey, that may work." If I am told that my brain is working, my ideas are sound, and I can actually figure some things out myself, I'm usually open to hear my friend follow up with, "But have you thought of this?"

There are several issues at stake here. One, when people just jump on in with advice, they are missing out on being compassionate. "Oh my gosh! Your boss said that? Wow, that really sucks. I'm really sorry." Then the complainer can relax a little, feel cared for, and let a lot of the pain go. As my friend uses and chooses compassion, I not only feel better about my friend, I feel better about me, about the situation, and about my ability to handle it.

But so often someone just swoops in with: "Okay, if this were my boss, I'd do this and that and the other." (Meaning, you really ought to do this, and if my solution doesn't fit, there's something wrong with you.) Or even worse, the dreaded shoulding on you advice: "You should __________." I really cannot stand it when I'm told what to do. Even if it is good advice, I kick against it. I mean, don't you think I'd already thought of that? Or if I hadn't already, do you really think I couldn't have gotten to that solution if my friend just talked it through with me? While I'm in the throes of my whine fest, I may actually sound like I can't figure stuff out. But while I am allowed to say that, nobody else is. When I hear anyone say, so here's what you need to do, I just want to scream back, "You're not my mother!" Real mature, I know.

This, of course, doesn't apply if I am crabbing about something I really don't know about, like pretty much anything to do with electronics. But then, I usually whine loudly and plaintively, "I hate electronics and please help me." I don't go all martyr. I know when I'm stumped.

When people don't take the time to be compassionate and rush in with solutions, it really messes things (meaning me) up. I feel defensive, but also, I don't trust that friend as much. Though I know this friend means well, it seems to me like they're trying to get me away from my pain super quick by offering an answer. And that is the worst way to eradicate someone else's pain. A little side hug or a, "man, that stinks" goes very far in helping someone feel better. Just that little punch in the arm that communicates, "I'm here for you." That's really big. I mean REALLY BIG.

One of the other problems, of course, is that sometimes the advice is crappy. If I say something like my boss sucks, and the friend isn't someone who knows me well, they may say something completely unhelpful like, "Just quit." For so many reasons, that's dumb advice. Not only does it show that the person doesn't want to go the compassion route (and then you've lost me) but they don't want to find out the whole story.

Finally, I have actually had the fixers not just advise but pull some kind of "What kind of wife/mother/Mormon/Democrat are you?" Not only do they offer me no compassion, barrel in with unasked for advice, but then scold and shame. Did you really think that shaming me would make me say, "Boy, that person really has my best interests at heart?"

So, to sum up, my advice is (see what I did there?): Be Kind. Be Compassionate. Don't just advise. Love first. Fix next.

The End, by Jennifer Mustoe