Monologues and Other Theatrical Horrors

I am in a very intense film acting class. It is like group therapy, and I mean that in the best sense possible. But it took me a half-hour of crying last night, sad that I had chosen a stupid monologue, I wasn't one of the cool kids because I was old, and all the other crap that came billowing out of my crying heart to hear one of my patient classmates say: why not choose a new monologue?

I was like, can I do that?

I think back to this and wonder, why was I so afraid to change my monologue? What was holding me back?

There are implications here. Big Implications.

I consider myself a strong person. I've been told by gazillions of people that I am a strong person. Except I have you all fooled! I am an insecure person who waits for permission all the time, permission for things that I have complete control over! I look for validation, stamps of approval, and a big ol' nod for things when all I would have had to do is ask, is this okay? Or even better: Here's what I'm planning on.

Why am I so reluctant to just go ahead? (I will probably be pondering this for a long, long, long eternity.)

Anyway, the first monologue was funny and short. And totally didn't work. (But I will have it for those occasions when I need a comedic monologue, so yes!)

This next one will give me some challenge and chops. It's from Nuts:

Claudia: When I was a little girl, I used to say to her, "I love you to the moon and down again and around the world and back again." And she used to say to me, "I love you to the sun and down again and around the stars and back again." Do you remember, mama? And I used to think, wow, I love mama, and mama loves me, and what can go wrong? What went wrong, mama? I love you and you love me, and what went wrong? You see, I know she loves me, and I love her, and--so what? So what? She's over there, and I'm over here, and she hates me because of the things I've done to her, and I hate her because of the things she's done to me. You stand up there asking "Do you love your daughter" and they say yes. And you think you've asked something real, and they think they've said something real. You think because you toss the word love around like a frisbee we're all going to get warm and runny. No. Something happens to some people. They love you so much they stop noticing you're there because they're so busy loving you. They love you so much their love is a gun, and they keep firing it straight into your head. They love you so much you go right into a hospital. Yes, I know she loves me. Mama, I know you love me. And I know one thing you learn when you grow up is that love is not enough. It's too much and not enough.


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